Happy 4th of July, everyone. Nothing says God bless the nation like good old American shit-talking. So here, a couple days late thanks to the miracle of DVR that allows us to do what we want with our lives and still never miss an episode of . . . anything, are the picked-apart results of what I thought of Secret Life. I'm not talking vague opinions. I mean catty details, kind of like the insanely accurate Gossip Girl blog written by these genius dudes at NY Mag.
- Best opening line of a pilot, ever: "Once, I held a pint of Ben Covington's blood." Felicity, 1998. Secret Life: "Hey, glad you're home; I was worried you'd marched off a cliff or something." Wow. Provocative.
- What's up with that guy Ricky's pronunciation of "sterile"?
- The repetition of "band camp" was just weird . . . I mean, that was practically trademarked in 1999.
- Honestly, the whole Christian thing rings really, really hollow. Though I'm not a fan of Minka Kelly's high-pitched voice, this storyline was much better executed on Friday Night Lights. Lyla was a sloot sleeping with her crippled boyfriend's best friend as her dad cheated on her mom. She had a reason to look for something outside herself, and she still relapsed sometimes. In other words, she was a kid who believed in being a Christian, not a Christobot like Grace.
- Kenny Baumann (Ben) is failing desperately in his attempt to play Adam Brody's Seth Cohen. I never though Brody was a good actor until tonight. No freshman would ever be so fucking cocky. . . Seth was incredibly insecure, remember, Brenda?
- Um. Amy's haircut is amazing. If I had straight hair, I would have already copied her.
- What is the font on that magazine she's reading in the doctor's office? Wow. Expanding on that, I cannot believe they deprived us of the scene where she finds out she's def pregs! Who the hell is directing this?!
- Ricky in the therapist's office: His father sexually abused him. This is waaay too heavy for a show like this, and for an 8 p.m. timeslot! Kind of shocking.
- Little sis's outfit is out of control. Love it!