Friday, August 22

Web Treats: "O-BAMA!"

It's Friday, the biggest slacking day of the week. And the second-to-last Summer Friday for those of us fortunate enough to work at a company with people more fortunate than us, who have Hamptons houses and need to leave early on weekends.

Here's some web stuff to entertain y'all:

Oh, this is why Republicans think Obama is too big a celebrity. A refresher course in the Obama Girl, who will evidently be all up in the DNC. "You went to border security . . . let's break this border between you and me . . . "

And listen to the first minute of this for an interesting review of her work.

Passive-aggressives vs. annoyings:


Wednesday, August 20


Massachusetts: Keeping people shitfaced as the cost of living rises.

Despite concerns over a tumbling economy and flip-flopping gas and oil prices, a little crop that could has given Americans a reason to mix drinks as we head into fall.

The Cape Cod Cranberry Growers' Association announced Tuesday that Massachusetts' 2008 cranberry crop will be up by a whopping 25% . . . strange and fortunate, seeing as much of the country's nature-candy is down due to crazy weather, strange experiments that try to turn them into gasoline, and being pissed off. But 25% is big . . . enough to ensure that no bartender can ever tell you he's out of cranberry when really the Sprite fountain is just closer.

Southeastern Mass is the world's largest exporter of cranberries; according to my math, this means we can thank my dear hometown (on the South Shore) for Sex on the Beach, Alabama Slammers, Cosmos, and Cape Codders.

And Red-Headed Sluts. But you already knew that.

Oh, Massachusetts, of thee I sing . . . very likely to a song like "Take Me Home Tonight" along with a jukebox, after four vodka cranberries and while holding a shot.

THIRSTY? Absolut's Top 20 drinks made with cranberry juice.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY: To Demi Lovato, who is allegedly the Christina to Miley's Britney, with talent and a lack of Dub-T taste. She turns 16 today . . . so only time will tell!

Tuesday, August 19

You Make Me Wanna . . .

. . . help elect a president.

Usher and his peeps (the New Look Foundation) have come up with a sweet idea for the upcoming election. While kids under 18 clearly can't vote, the outcome of the event will obviously effect them quite a bit as they come of age. A pretty bad president was elected when I was 18, and I'm willing to bet my generation would be better off now had someone else been voted in.

So here's what's gonna happen: If kids can't register to vote, they're gonna register voters.

Starting August 21, Usher's "I Can't But You Can" campaign will visit at least seven American cities, beginning in Detroit and including Cleveland, in critical swing state Ohio. Other cities include New Orleans, Boston, New York, L.A., and the singer's hometown of Atlanta, where last month 350 teens registered a thousand voters during the project's test-run.

It also doesn't hurt that the people running the sign-up booths know what they're talking about—the volunteers, all 17 and under, have to complete a 4-hour curriculum course prior to participating, making them likely much more educated on the subject of, say, the electoral college, than most people, who struggle to remember a fleeting mention of it at some point in high school history classes.

Hopefully, as the election nears, more American cities will jump on this. After all, it's a win-win: They get people registered without having to do any of the admin work themselves, and more of their residents vote.

Let's hope they're all 'crats.

Monday, August 18

Save The '90s Stars. Save The World.

Yes, the producers of Heroes have cast Breckin Meyer and Seth Green to star in multiple episodes of the everyday-superhero super-popular show come fall. Yes, they will play a comic-book-loving tag-team, which reportedly is not too far off from real life. Yes, this news is incred and might make me care about saving the cheerleader, etc.

And no, sentences like this are not okay! "Breckin Meyer is probably best known for his role as Jon, opposite Jennifer Love-Hewitt, in the recent Garfield movies . . . Green has starred as Scott Evil in the Austin Powers series and had roles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer, That 70s Show and as the voice of Chris on Family Guy."

Okay, I will give this Heroes dude the Seth Green bio—he got Buffy (which apparently a lot of fools watched) and Family Guy and made his resume look quite a bit more thorough than I realized it was. But what he failed to mention was . . . both these guys were teen-movie underdog kings in the late '90s! It's as if Heroes principal Ali Larter never wore a whipped-cream bikini in 1999.

I thought this news was fantastic when I heard it. And you know why? Because "Denise Fleming is a tampon" and because of "the wonderful crew at McDonald's who spend hours making those egg McMuffins without which I might never be tardy."

Before the aforementioned roles, Seth Green and Breckin Meyer had already solidified their places at Teen Movie High by starring in two of the best high school movies of the decade: Green as the wannabe ghetto goggle-wearing Kenny Fisher in Can't Hardly Wait (see above), and Meyer as Travis Birkenstock, the good-hearted pothead skater in Clueless. Both roles surely get an award placed in the genre's lovable-slacker trophy case.

It's strange that these projects were overlooked in almost every casting announcement, particularly Clueless. Has not enough time passed for them to become retro-cool like the Brat Pack movies? Maybe it's just because TV shows watched on iPhones are currently more relevant?

At any rate, Seth Green in Can't Hardly Wait and Breckin Meyer in Cluelessthis is why this news is incred! I mean, Garfield? Really? Why you gotta be wastin' their flava?

SOUNDTRACK: "Dammit" by Blink 182 or "Inside Out" by Eve 6.

Friday, August 15

Warner Bros. Tries To Conjure Up More Money

As The Dark Knight's stunts cast a spell on audiences, its profits enchanted Warner Bros. execs so much so that they couldn't even wait for their next big summer action movie (Terminator Salvation) to be made—they had to throw a definite out there on the July Imax-blockbuster horizon immediately.

But rather than rush something slated for holiday season '09, Warner has scrambled to rearrange their finished works, taking a high-profile film with an already-announced release date and making crazed viewers wait another year for it. Fans must once again suffer in the knowledge that there will be no Harry Potter 8. Or '08, as the case may be.

The Bros. announced yesterday that Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince, the sixth movie in the series and widely touted for a November 21 release, will be held until July 17, 2009—the exact Friday that The Dark Knight was unleashed this year. Suspiciously enough, the heavily rumored debut of the (incred) HP trailer at July 18 showings of DK never materialized—were the hold-the-movie-hostage wheels already turning at Warner even before the DK numbers came in?

It's sad that the move is so blatant. “The picture is completely, absolutely, 100% on schedule, on time. There were no delays . . . We would have been perfectly able to have it out in November,” said Alan Horn, the company's pres and C.O.O.

Which, in the audience's eyes, makes it that much worse. That and the unfortunate timing of this week's Entertainment Weekly cover story.

I'm not into this throwing out set and promoted release dates thing at all. But while Warner Bros. is cleaning up shop, I wish they'd take a second look at director David Yates. While his previous Potter film, HP5, was the highest-grossing of the franchise, the directing was arguably the weakest. And, as Warner Bros. has told us, it only grossed so much more as a result of its July release. What may have fans more concerned is the elimination of certain characters, namely Bill Weasley and Fleur Delacour (particularly strange, as Clémence Poésy has become somewhat of a muse in her native France) who fail to appear on the movie's IMDb page, suggesting that this fool and his screenwriters have significantly diced the story going forward.

SIGN: A petition, if you are not having this, here.

Tuesday, August 12

Superlatives: Most Likely To Be Ador

These little fools get my People's Choice gold medal of the 2008 Olympics. 17-year-old David Boudia and Thomas Finchum, who failed to place in last night's synchronized diving competish, are beyond presh.

I just wanna hug them all day with a third party present!

Friday, August 8

AT&T Pimps Out The Olympics

Let's face it, AT&T—most people are hoping to see less of you, and not more. Generally the more we see your logo, the more our checking-account balances drop. But alas, you have made yourself an official member of Team USA and will be all up on our TVs for the next 16 days.

I'm thinking that AT&T is letting their affiliation with Apple go to their heads, and they seem particularly charmed by iTunes; starting today, the phone company will sell exclusive music from a dozen Top 40 artists, a program they're calling Team USA Soundtrack. The tracks are meant to inspire America's Olympians and will be available only between the Opening and Closing Ceremonies of the 2008 Games.

They want to inspire you too--into seeing AT&T as an "entertainment brand" and not just a monthly bill or a necessary evil on the path to owning an iPhone. "It's a great opportunity to showcase our support for these amazing athletes--and our international wireless services and technologies," a spokesperson told me for a short piece on Clear ulterior motives, but supportive nonetheless. The proceeds will go to help Team USA, and I bet Chris Brown's song's pretty good. Other artists onboard include country sweetheart Taylor Swift, Mia from One Tree Hill Kate Voegele, Nelly, the dude's that's married to Katharine Heigl, and some '90s peeps like Goo Goo Dolls, who I really think are more "Winter Games."

The company is calling this part of a "three-screen integration" movement: Hear the songs on TV, download them to your comp, and listen to them on your AT&T-powered phone.

Oh, and while you're rearranging your iTunes library, why don't you show support for our athletes by adding an AT&T widget to your Facebook page?

Because clearly, Facebook is the new Superbowl commercial.


The aesthetically pleasing and Olympic Ring-mimicking date is finally here. And you know what that means: international sportsmanship, inspiring athleticism, water-bowl cam . . .

That's right bitches.

It's Puppy Games 2008, airing tonight on Animal Planet at 6 p.m. and 9 p.m. These little fools will compete for gold in soccer, swimming, boxing and gymnastics. Way cuter than those weird pixie-Teletubby-troll Olympic mascots.

NICE BIRTHDAY: Totally jealous of babies born today. Also a little jealous of Ugly Betty's Micheal Urie, born on 08.08.80. Pretty!

Wednesday, August 6

Rihanna For Veep

Um, Paris Hilton just got a little bit hilarious.

Below, her anti-McCain "campaign commercial" from (Must give them a shout-out since they took their shit back from YouTube.)

WATCH: The video here!

Friday, August 1

Send Me All Your Vampires

I'd highly suggest you avoid stopping by Borders tonight; I'll personally be picking my vampires up at Barnes & Noble, and not the former store, where wannabe 'pires will actually be encouraged by hosts to act a fool, debate which hottie vampire they'd rather get with, and dress up as characters from the hyper-successful Twilight series—the reason for tonight's mayhem. At midnight, the fourth book of the set, Breaking Dawn, will be released, to undoubtedly hefty sales.

Perhaps I missed the boat (or whatever vampire-transportation analogy is appropriate here) on Twilight, because to me, the most striking thing about it is how it seemed to come from nowhere. I personally discovered it in a rather unconventional way: Near the end of last year, while shopping for the most obnoxious and inappropriate pieces of Facebook flair I could find for my friends, I found myself looking up and saying, "Okay, who the fuck is Edward Cullen?!" after seeing countless flair dedicated to him.

Cullen, it turned out, is the male lead in Stephenie Meyer's masterpiece, and he came out of nowhere for her too—she literally dreamt of him and his girlfriend Bella one night (seriously not kidding) and began writing the book the next day.

Twilight seems to be some kind of undercover sensation; now it has bonafide, very widespread popularity, but is it possible that two or three years ago, it succeeded in being some kind of massive underground hit, more commonly seen in music than in adolescent fiction? Last summer, the third installment dethroned the final Harry Potter book from bestseller lists within a week and no one heard about it.

And tonight is far from the Cullen culmination. The first movie comes out on December 12, starring Kristen Stewart as Bella, who proves again that the deeper your voice, the more beautiful you are. (Don't start smoking.) Cedric Diggory of HP4 fame has been resurrected from the dead, but apparently not completely: Gorgeous Robert Pattinson plays vampire Edward. On that subject, the movie will help highlight another aspect of Twilight that surely lends to its feverish fan base, an element fiction queen J.K. Rowling, for the most part, left out of her off-the-charts successful series: vicarious infatuation and desire.

In Edward, Meyer has created a character whom the majority of her audience will fall in love with in the literal, jealous-of-Bella, wish-he-was-real sense in a way that they didn't fall for Ron Weasley. Hence the endless flair reading "I'm in love with a fictional vampire." Ironically, the hottest guy in Harry Potter was played by the future Edward Cullen. If only he weren't frozen mere months shy of legal for all eternity.

Still, love is a literary device; and Meyer is sure to win extra hearts through girls hoping for an epic romance in high school and women nostalgic for when they thought it would happen that way. The element of projection the novels afford can only help.

And though hype can often discredit art, tomorrow's release of Breaking Dawn comes at a good time: It will give newcomers four months to read the four books before the movie's release, and there's an appropriate break between this film and the next chapter. Though Meyer will not end her series with Breaking Dawn, it will no longer be narrated by her everygirl (if unnecessarily popular with guys) heroine, Bella.

WATCH: The first but not as common trailer here.
"I Want You" by Third Eye Blind. Or you can listen to some Linkin Park, which is apparently what Meyer listened to throughout the writing of her novels. Weird.

My Number Expires On Thursday

Boys, do not ever grow up to be like this! You will be made fun of by strangers for all eternity and will—shocker—never succeed in your conquests.

Listen here
for the most out of control voicemail ever left. Some conceited and presumably delusional asshole in San Francisco left it for a girl named Olga who was hilarious enough to post this on the internet—the most incred punishment for a "catch" like this. I think the most disturbing thing about it is a) his voice, and b) the fact that he may actually be semi-attractive since she gave him her card.