Massajuicetts

Massachusetts: Keeping people shitfaced as the cost of living rises.

Despite concerns over a tumbling economy and flip-flopping gas and oil prices, a little crop that could has given Americans a reason to mix drinks as we head into fall.

The Cape Cod Cranberry Growers' Association announced Tuesday that Massachusetts' 2008 cranberry crop will be up by a whopping 25% . . . strange and fortunate, seeing as much of the country's nature-candy is down due to crazy weather, strange experiments that try to turn them into gasoline, and being pissed off. But 25% is big . . . enough to ensure that no bartender can ever tell you he's out of cranberry when really the Sprite fountain is just closer.

Southeastern Mass is the world's largest exporter of cranberries; according to my math, this means we can thank my dear hometown (on the South Shore) for Sex on the Beach, Alabama Slammers, Cosmos, and Cape Codders.

And Red-Headed Sluts. But you already knew that.

Oh, Massachusetts, of thee I sing . . . very likely to a song like "Take Me Home Tonight" along with a jukebox, after four vodka cranberries and while holding a shot.

THIRSTY? Absolut's Top 20 drinks made with cranberry juice.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY: To Demi Lovato, who is allegedly the Christina to Miley's Britney, with talent and a lack of Dub-T taste. She turns 16 today . . . so only time will tell!